GLUTENED { contains Too Much Information and profanity)

(Posted on the Endless Possibilities Blog on 11/11/08)

After our walk and the music store, Kelly and I went to Whole Foods. I have been craving éclairs for months. I need to have one. Stephanie sent me a recipe for gluten free éclairs but they just seem like too much work...she even thought so.

I found an easy recipe for this thing that promises to taste like an éclair that is half of the work. You just can’t pick it up and eat it like and éclair. I am not sure what it looks like because it doesn't provide a picture. I am going to make it soon and I will review it...with a picture.

So, Kelly and I went to Whole Foods so I could get some of the things I needed to make it and also to see if I could get a gluten free pastry from their bakery. I have been dying for a pasty.

The only time I really hate having celiacs is when I pass by the baker’s case and know that everything is off limits, at Whole Foods they were bound to have something I could have...hopefully. We get there and ask.

The BAKERY BITCH (she earned the name because I feel lied to and deceived, my intestines hate her), pointed out the gluten free items. She then points to these amazing looking things covered in chocolate with this mouse inside. It says wheat free on the label. I point that out. She said something like it was gluten free and I would be fine.

BAKERY BITCH was so convincing. BAKERY BITCH swears it won’t get me sick. BAKERY BITCH gives me a description of this pastry, that for someone that has not had a proper baked goods in a long time could almost have a big O ( and by big O...I am not referring to Oprah) from listening to them. Oprah surely would have had a big O and she doesn’t have celiacs.

Yet again BAKERY BITCH says they are WHEAT FREE but with NOTHING IN THEM that would make anyone GLUTEN INTOLERANT sick. I purchase the baked good.

I eat the baked good. I praise BAKERY BITCH in my head, but for that short moment she was not BAKERY BITCH but BAKERY GODDESS. She had given me the satisfaction that I had been seeking for months. A really good pastry; I had great tasting cakes on my birthday but I craved a yummy pastry! I had now had it!

Well, it was short lived. I felt the all too familiar rumble in my stomach. I felt the hot and colds. I felt the impending doom. Jacob was up. My mom was not home. I felt sick and I knew it was BAKERY BITCH'S fault. I was trying to avoid getting sick.

Poor Jacob must have hated me. He had to be in the bathroom with me. As my insides ruptured in the bathroom I think I casted a plague on BAKERY BITCH'S house and her first born.

There were times where I thought the glutening was over and then it came back. My mom ended up going to the gym last night. I had to make Jacob dinner and put him to bed while dealing with one of the most violent glutenings of my life.

I got this horrible headache. It was so bad that I had to ask for an extension on my homework and I don’t even know if I got it. I couldn’t look at the computer. I was in bed early. I woke up through the night...GLUTENED.

This lasted for hours. I never had a glutening last so long.

I should have known better. I should have gone for the specific gluten free sign. BAKERY BITCH was too convincing.